Have you ever had that feeling of just wanting to cry out loud?
It never really crossed my mind but it happened to me today.
Might be the stress at work I have been receiving the past few weeks?
This is probably the longest period of work without a getaway I had in a while.
I know some of you might say 5 weeks is nothing.
But considering I am practising dentistry every day except (most) Sundays,
compared to lucky people of the world who have 2-day weekends, it is something!
I think the past 2 weeks especially, so much drama every other day.
From lab drama to mentorship drama to work schedule drama etc.
Today's just had to add the icing on the cake!
Late lunch as 12.30pm patient came in at 1pm.
Usually I would ask them to reschedule, but she was 80 years old, so I gave in.
She didn't even say sorry and even asked if her son wants check up after we were done!
Inconsiderate really, why do people like these exist in the world?
Left work 90 minutes late, cos we ran out of materials for the last patient.
I had to send one of the assistants to get them from our nearest branch.
I felt so bad for the patient, cos he was in the clinic for a good 4 hours!
Even my usual happy drink - Mr Bean's Icy Matcha Azuki, didn't help.
I was feeling quite down while on the MRT after leaving the clinic very late.
And while walking home, my eyes started being red and teary.
I tried to controlling it till I reach home as it is embarrassing to cry outside.
But the tears started rolling, I walked as fast as I could.
Avoiding eye contacts while doing so.
I cried. Out loud. Very loud indeed.
The moment I shut the front door behind of me.
For a good 10 minutes, just cried and cried.
And then I felt better.
I wished someone was there to hug me and tell me it was ok and just cry.
A family member or a friend or just anybody really.
But it was just me alone, locked in my room.
If only there was a someone I could go to right now.
But at the same time also don't want to burden others with my emo-ness.
Money can't buy happiness, they say. So true!
My commission this month may be higher, but I didn't feel happier.
Not worth the stress I get in return.
We all must have sad times in order to feel happy again.
I guess this is it. No one is always happy.
I may portray it like I am, but it is the mask I wear.
To hid my negativity away from others, since no one likes it anyway.
Counting down to the days till happiness finds me again!
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Have you ever had that feeling of just wanting to cry out loud?
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Good mornings and good nights.
I haven't felt like this in a long while.
Smiling at the littlest things even at randomest times.
My heart races, yet it feels so comfortable.
It feels kind of foreign! Haha.
Looking forward if there is more to come.
Thank you for saying hi first =)
Sunday, March 29, 2015
I've been in Singapore for about 13 months till date.
This week was my first time seeing this little red dot in a different light.
Yes, today is Singapore's founding father Mr Lee Kuan Yew's State Funeral Service.
Mr Lee passed away early morning on Monday, and was since national mourning week.
His face and name was everywhere. My goosebumps came up each time I saw them.
Community Centres throughout the country was set up for his tribute.
Parliament House was open to public to pay their last respect.
Of course, the queue was insane. Last I heard was up to 12 hours!
An acquaintance of mine actually queued from 8pm before he could bow at 4am.
Singaporeans love to queue for anything and everything.
If they could queue hours for food and Hello Kitty, they could do the same for Mr Lee.
MRT lines were running for 24 hours, of cos with timings were slower than usual.
I didn't join the queue to bow to Mr Lee as I heard it was less than 10 seconds encounter.
And you could go no where near the coffin to say your prayers.
You will just follow and move along with the crowd.
They provide free umbrellas and water due to the scorching heat throughout the day too.
Mr Lee was a great leader indeed, but not someone close enough for me go through these.
Colleagues and patients spoke highly of him, asking if I went to queue and telling me tips.
My appointment books this week were half of those I usually have, and got to leave work early.
There were pros and cons of his passing. Singaporeans were different to what I knew.
Was I sad of his passing? Of course I was, but not all teary and wailing kinda sad.
Then I saw his funeral procession route yesterday, it would pass by near where I live.
So I thought it would be good to bid this great man a farewell.
I think despite Mr Lee being an atheist, God is by his side.
The sky was gloomy when I woke up close to 11am, it was meant to be a sleep-in Sunday for me.
It drizzled at first, I wore black and we grabbed a quick bite at the neighbourhood market.
Closer to the 12.30pm when the procession was to start, it was pouring cats and dogs.
I looked over the shoulder of an uncle, who was watching the live telecast on his phone.
He and his friends invited me to watch with them and was explaining what was happening.
The store owner who we bought food from told us where the procession would pass by.
We told them we were heading there after this, they wished us well and to be careful.
Outside was like going through waterfalls, got drenched despite an umbrella over my head.
Seeing the crowd lining up along the route despite the very heavy rain, no doubt they love him.
Young and old, families, couples, friends, locals and foreigners of all races were there.
With umbrellas, rain coats and some even drenched. They lined up along the route.
Home owners were kind to share their TV on live telecast to strangers through their windows.
Every floor of the shop lots and HDBs along the area were filled with people.
They were carrying the Singapore flags, banners of Mr Lee, flowers etc.
Reporters and TV crew were at the best spot - the overhead pedestrian bridge.
I was under the rain for a whole solid hour, no idea how long the others have been there.
It's a feat as never in my life have I done that for any reason, I hated the rain you see.
But watching these people brave through the rain and not complaining, I didn't mind it.
Just like how Mr Lee and his people did so during Singapore's very first National Day Parade.
We were standing at the opposite side of the road from the direction the procession was.
Moments before the procession was due to arrive, some people started climbing over the barricades.
They ran across the road without looking at on coming traffic, more people followed the suit.
Mind you, the road on our direction was not blocked, vehicles were still moving.
It was a very chaotic scene, they were like uncontrolled beasts, screw the rules!
The few policemen on duty were trying to stop the crowd, of course with their effort in vain.
All they could do, was to ensure the human traffic's safety and slow down the vehicle traffic.
In a matter of minutes, thousands of people have crossed the barricades and ran across the road.
Hogging the tiny plot of land separating the roads of different directions.
I would call them unreasonably kiasu - afraid of losing in the Hokkien dialect.
Right now, they have totally blocked my view of the opposite side of the road.
I barely moved an inch, still behind the barricade but at least not sardined among the crowd.
The stretch of humans I could see was about 1km on both sides!
From afar, we could see siren lights, police cars and uniformed men transported in trucks.
Mr Lee's cortege was coming closer to our direction along Jalan Bukit Merah.
The crowd started to chant "Lee Kuan Yew" and throwing flower petals.
Very few were wailing, the chant got louder and louder as his cortege approached.
So loud that you could no longer hear the heavy downpour or the movements of the vehicles.
As I was saying my prayers to Mr Lee, I could feel my eyes tearing up.
It wasn't sad tears that he left for the afterworld, but because I was moved even as a foreigner.
I could feel their patriotism, their love and respect for Mr Lee in those short moments.
Never have I experienced such a thing before, or seen a funeral service at such grand scale.
I don't know if I would ever have another similar experience in my lifetime.
Not of someone's passing but of a nation so united and its people's patriotism.
The crowd started to disperse as his cortege continue its journey towards NUS.
Along the way back, I saw young and old, locals and foreigners partially or fully drenched.
It was a sombre mode. But they were back into being law abiding citizens.
Waiting for the green lights before using the zebra crossings.
Volunteers were giving out drinks just in case you are dehydrated.
I have never seen so many people on the streets when it rained, but it gradually subsided.
The crowd along Jalan Bukit Merah today was comparable to Orchard Road in its peak!
If the nation cries for a man, he must have built the nation.
No matter what the world says about him, the people really do love Mr Lee Kuan Yew.
Thank you for building and guiding Singapore to what it is today.
It may not be the place I call home, but definitely it has fed me well the past year and more to come.
May you rest in peace, Mr Lee.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Can't believe the year is coming to an end so soon!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
First time is a mistake.
Second time is a choice.
Third time you are dumb if you don't make noise.
I heard these wise words from a Kdrama that I was watching.
Can't believe it is so applicable in my real life situation right now!
Well, technically not a mistake I made, but more like the feeling of being used.
Just because I didn't say anything earlier as I was trying to be understanding,
doesn't mean I am ok with being constantly targeted.
I must have been dreaming.
There is no way a fairytale like that exist.
Friendly conversation? Haaaa.
I knew something was up and you are just testing the depth of the water.
Always be on your toes, you would never know how deep you will fall.
Never be too nice and show your vulnerable side.
Also, playing dumb for a while can be nice.
The person who tells you stories, will be the first one to spread stories.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
4th Merdeka away from home, I feel a little bit more patriotic.
Haven't been needing to identify myself by race, but just simply "I am Malaysian".
We probably could learn a thing or two from our neighbour down south,
not that they are always better.
Came across a speech by Singapore's first President Yusof Ishak:
"No man need feel to belong to a particular religion puts him at a disadvantage
or gives him an advantage. This is how things are in Singapore
and this is how things will always be in our country. Only in this way
will a multicultural society like Singapore can live in peace and harmony."
I believe this was what our first Prime Minister Tunku Abdul Rahman
and his troupe had in mind when they paved way for our independence.
I longed for the day that Malaysia would just be the same.
Can you imagine that on top of melting pot of cultures and our amazing variety of food?
We would be unstoppable then.
Perhaps one day when Malaysians of my generation are leading the country?
I hope children of our children will be able to experience that too.
One person's thought may not make much of a difference,
but many people with the same thought may contribute to the gradual changes
till the outcome we desire. This is something to ponder about.
Happy blessed 57th Merdeka my fellow Malaysians! =)
P/S: Check out Tunku's 1957 Merdeka speech read by fellow Malaysians here.
Listen till the end!
Saturday, April 12, 2014
This is killing me real bad.
It's always here again that I frequent when I am crying.
It seems to be the same person again and again who brought me such heartache.
Always telling me news that make my life so miserable, yes work related again.
I wanna have somebody to lament with who can actually empathise.
Don't get me wrong, I really love what I am doing.
Especially after seeing the happy faces that greeted me after each visit.
It's only been a month but I have been flattered nearly everyday by my patients.
I might not be the most capable or quick handed dentist around, but I really do try my best for them.
I know they can feel my sincerity to actually make time to explain things and listen to them.
But it's the bloody schedule given that is getting on my nerves.
First it was all the night shifts that I have finally came to terms with, I forego normal working hours.
Then barely 3 weeks into the job, I agreed to take over the slots of a fellow colleague on leave for about 3 weeks.
The hours were more normal, but I was made to work some of my timeslots on top of my colleague's.
So that's 6 full days a week, I would be tired as but at least I am based in somewhere I enjoy being.
I didn't mind that, best of what I can have.
Then today, on my 5th week of work, I received another depressing news.
Cutting down sessions in the clinics I am enjoying my work at and increasing session in the one I least enjoy.
Best part is, most of the cases would be referral for dentures by a colleague who don't do any.
I can do dentures but I absolutely despise them cos those patients are the hardest to satisfy.
I can imagine the constant flow of denture cases giving me overwhelming level of stress and constant breakdown.
I witnessed a horrible denture couple this morning and I am completely traumatized.
People who twist your words and not admitting to things they gave informed consent to and just purely making our work life miserable.
Who cares about making money if you aren't happy?
My assistant who I have been getting close to is saying that she can't handle all these no more.
People in the upper level don't know what shit assistants face everyday, the latter's job is horrendous!
I might get bullied running in between 3 clinics cos I am a newbie but it's totally unfair to my assistants.
They gotta handle loose ends from every corner.
I was really sad with the new schedule. My request to stay on with the current one even got rejected, how depressing is that?
Reasoning was awesome "cos I've sent the info out to everyone". Yup everyone but me.
Still waiting on that reply for an email I sent end of last month.
Friends from other companies have gotten their pay even when they started later than me.
Now I am actually experiencing the horror stories about my company that was told to me after I signed my contract last year.
Too late to regret I guess?
I really hope this crap can be amended soon.
Just because I am a newbie, doesn't mean I can be bullied just as you wish.
Newbie has feelings too you know?
Despite facing down times, all I need to do is chant the mantras from the patients and try to make myself happy. =)
"This is the best dental clinic experience I had"
"I would totally recommend you to my friends"
"I feel really comfortable with you, shall bring my wife and kids to see you next"
"I want you to do it instead of the specialist. Worse case scenario is that I'll loose a tooth right? I'll let you try, really!"
"I came cos someone has recommended me to"
"Can I get your namecard?"
"Thank you so so much" followed by handshakes and even a bear hug!
But the best line that really gotten into me and I truly felt appreciated:
"You are officially my favourite dentist"
That was after a torturous clean with massive loads of bleeding!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Today, I just feel like writing my mind out.
So not the 9am-5pm weekdays and 9am-1pm on Saturdays job I researched and applied for.
Sorry if you think I always think and talk about myself only.
Who else knows me like myself and all the experience I've encountered?
It's definitely better to talk about yourself than other people isn't it?
Haters are gonna hate, nobody can help it. =)
Happiness will come when you least expect it and respect will come when you earn it.