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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Life, they say.

Can't believe the year is coming to an end so soon!

Life the past year has been filled with ups and downs.
I feel that I have accomplished as much as I hope for this year. =)

Pretty much checked the boxes but somehow I do feel a little empty.
Work life fairly stable right now, I hope it continues to be smooth sailing.
Social life not too bad, kept in touch with old friends and meeting some new ones.
Love life no advancements the last time I checked.
Family life, I do miss them dearly especially during the festive / holiday season.
Living the life? Maybe.

I've been fortunate enough to be able to travel as often as I aimed for.
The flexibility of my job and to reap what I sow, I enjoy it.
Every 2-3 months, I need to be away from this city constantly packed with humans.
Whether is a short trip home, a weekend getaway or a week-long holiday.
As long as I am away for a while, I am able to stay sane.

I am glad that I have a group of friends that I can count on when I need them.
Having them nearby in this tiny island gives me a sense of security,
just like our home away from home.
Way better than having them scattered across the large continent.

But sometimes, friends need to lead their own lives too.
When they are all away during the time where everyone is meant to get together,
and on top of being apart from my family,
I feel a huge sense of loneliness, no one who is physically around me.
I want to cry and hug someone but I can't bring myself to let others worry about me.

This is when I start questioning myself.
Why did I choose to be here?
Is this the type of life I want to lead?
Did I make the correct decision?
Do I want to continue this in the near future?
Should I start looking for a special someone?
Those never ending questions always end up with some tears.

Life, they say.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Thinking out loud

First time is a mistake.
Second time is a choice.
Third time you are dumb if you don't make noise.

I heard these wise words from a Kdrama that I was watching.
Can't believe it is so applicable in my real life situation right now!

Well, technically not a mistake I made, but more like the feeling of being used.
Just because I didn't say anything earlier as I was trying to be understanding,
doesn't mean I am ok with being constantly targeted.

I must have been dreaming.
There is no way a fairytale like that exist.
Friendly conversation? Haaaa.
I knew something was up and you are just testing the depth of the water.

Always be on your toes, you would never know how deep you will fall.
Never be too nice and show your vulnerable side.
Also, playing dumb for a while can be nice.
The person who tells you stories, will be the first one to spread stories.

Rant over.

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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Merdeka 2014

4th Merdeka away from home, I feel a little bit more patriotic.
Haven't been needing to identify myself by race, but just simply "I am Malaysian".

We probably could learn a thing or two from our neighbour down south,
not that they are always better.
Came across a speech by Singapore's first President Yusof Ishak:
"No man need feel to belong to a particular religion puts him at a disadvantage
or gives him an advantage. This is how things are in Singapore
and this is how things will always be in our country. Only in this way 
will a multicultural society like Singapore can live in peace and harmony."
I believe this was what our first Prime Minister Tunku Abdul Rahman
and his troupe had in mind when they paved way for our independence.

I longed for the day that Malaysia would just be the same.
Can you imagine that on top of melting pot of cultures and our amazing variety of food?
We would be unstoppable then.
Perhaps one day when Malaysians of my generation are leading the country?
I hope children of our children will be able to experience that too.

One person's thought may not make much of a difference,
but many people with the same thought may contribute to the gradual changes
till the outcome we desire. This is something to ponder about.

Happy blessed 57th Merdeka my fellow Malaysians! =)

P/S: Check out Tunku's 1957 Merdeka speech read by fellow Malaysians here
        Listen till the end! 

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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Of tears and smiles

This is killing me real bad.
It's always here again that I frequent when I am crying.
It seems to be the same person again and again who brought me such heartache.
Always telling me news that make my life so miserable, yes work related again.
I wanna have somebody to lament with who can actually empathise. 

Don't get me wrong, I really love what I am doing. 
Especially after seeing the happy faces that greeted me after each visit.
It's only been a month but I have been flattered nearly everyday by my patients.
I might not be the most capable or quick handed dentist around, but I really do try my best for them.
I know they can feel my sincerity to actually make time to explain things and listen to them.

But it's the bloody schedule given that is getting on my nerves.
First it was all the night shifts that I have finally came to terms with, I forego normal working hours.
Then barely 3 weeks into the job, I agreed to take over the slots of a fellow colleague on leave for about 3 weeks.
The hours were more normal, but I was made to work some of my timeslots on top of my colleague's.
So that's 6 full days a week, I would be tired as but at least I am based in somewhere I enjoy being.
I didn't mind that, best of what I can have.

Then today, on my 5th week of work, I received another depressing news.
Cutting down sessions in the clinics I am enjoying my work at and increasing session in the one I least enjoy.
Best part is, most of the cases would be referral for dentures by a colleague who don't do any.

I can do dentures but I absolutely despise them cos those patients are the hardest to satisfy.
I can imagine the constant flow of denture cases giving me overwhelming level of stress and constant breakdown.
I witnessed a horrible denture couple this morning and I am completely traumatized.
People who twist your words and not admitting to things they gave informed consent to and just purely making our work life miserable.
Who cares about making money if you aren't happy? 

My assistant who I have been getting close to is saying that she can't handle all these no more. 
People in the upper level don't know what shit assistants face everyday, the latter's job is horrendous!
I might get bullied running in between 3 clinics cos I am a newbie but it's totally unfair to my assistants. 
They gotta handle loose ends from every corner. 

I was really sad with the new schedule. My request to stay on with the current one even got rejected,  how depressing is that?
Reasoning was awesome "cos I've sent the info out to everyone". Yup everyone but me.
Still waiting on that reply for an email I sent end of last month.
Friends from other companies have gotten their pay even when they started later than me.
Now I am actually experiencing the horror stories about my company that was told to me after I signed my contract last year.
Too late to regret I guess?

I really hope this crap can be amended soon.
Just because I am a newbie, doesn't mean I can be bullied just as you wish.
Newbie has feelings too you know?

Despite facing down times, all I need to do is chant the mantras from the patients and try to make myself happy. =)
"This is the best dental clinic experience I had"
"I would totally recommend you to my friends"
"I feel really comfortable with you, shall bring my wife and kids to see you next"
"I want you to do it instead of the specialist. Worse case scenario is that I'll loose a tooth right? I'll let you try, really!"
"I came cos someone has recommended me to"
"Can I get your namecard?"
"Thank you so so much" followed by handshakes and even a bear hug! 

But the best line that really gotten into me and I truly felt appreciated:
"You are officially my favourite dentist"
That was after a torturous clean with massive loads of bleeding!

Presevere Yean!!!

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Saturday, February 22, 2014

Little thoughts and some rants

Today, I just feel like writing my mind out.

I need somebody to talk to and to cry my eyes till my tears run dry.
But unfortunately at this point of time, I have only here to seek for solace.
It's funny how one can know so many people but yet know very few of them.

I am a mostly happy-go-lucky person, it takes a lot for me to breakdown.
Not a lot of people have seen that side of me because it's rare for that to occur.
At times like this, I wish I could run far far away and explore the world by myself.
But I lack spontaneity and of cos funds obviously to do so.
Sometimes I wish I could be less rigid, less grounded and more impromptu!

It's my last weekend at home after more than 2 months back.
I hope that next time I am back, it would be more brief and only every few months.
That way, I think I will feel more special, more appreciated and much happier.
Cos I am not the type of person who could stay home all day and do chores everyday. 
I do it when I feel the need to, not as a daily routine.
Not everyone is as capable as you are, I really hate it to get nagged.
Worse when every single word is so true and it pains the heart really.
Our meticulousness is so similar yet so different! I just can't figure out why.
Is the age catching up? I don't know. Sometimes I just can't wait to leave.
Home no matter how badly missed, may not be as great we think it is when we are here.

I also do not like troubling people when I am capable of solving something myself.
So sometimes opening my mouth to make a request, I tend to think a lot.
I do lots of research, practice a couple of times and look for alternatives.
So when I actually ask for some help, it really does mean I need it.
But then again, the world is never the great place we think it is.

I try my very best to help people when they need to within my capabilities.
There are things and situations in life that one person may be better than another,
this is where helping one another to be a better version of themselves takes place.
I usually do not expect anything in return for the favour I gave,
but sometimes people take things for granted. 
They talk to you when they need your help, and then disappear when you need them.
You can't control those type of people and that cycle and lifestyle of theirs.
These would be people to let go, life may be better off without them.

Considering that I have different groups of friends, as I change location every few years,
I have good friends in each group. Unfortunately no BFFs.
Sometimes I get a little jealous when people say they are BFFs since they were kids.
I sometimes do wish that I have one too, but from my past experience as a kid,
I lock myself away. I have never divulge my entire life story to one someone ever.
There are feelings and thoughts that I had that no one except myself know.
Am I afraid to show my vulnerable side and get hurt? I don't know for sure.

Sometimes I wonder at my lowest point in life, how many people would stand by me?
Everyone has been nice to me when I was happy, but there's very few that I can count on.
Have you ever had people saying "I'll meet you up when I am free"?
I know have and did the same, and I really try to. I make plans ahead of time to meet them.
But there were only a handful of them that has actually made time for me, ever.
Which I am really grateful for. 
It's the quality, not quantity of friends that matters.
If it were me to decide, I would rather have small group gatherings rather than large ones.
Like that, we get to sit and talk all we want. The cozier, the better!

Oh, now I get why people complain so much about the working world.
It's just natural to want to have a work-life balance.
Regular working people have regular working hours, 9am-5pm on weekdays.
Maybe on your first few years out, you are required to work certain weekends.
Fair enough, I understand. Everyone will want to make the most out of a newbie.
I'll be having a taste of it very very soon.

I've just gotten my work schedule and truthfully I am pretty disappointed in it.
44 hours a week sounds fairly decent isn't it? 
Not when you work till nightfall 6 days a week,
and more than 10 hours on Fridays, Saturdays and Mondays!
So not the 9am-5pm weekdays and 9am-1pm on Saturdays job I researched and applied for.
Only after I accepted the job that I was told that they are extending after hours from 2014.
I was cool when they informed that I may be required to work certain nights.
Imagine the horror when I found out I'd be working at night everyday I am working.

I just have to accept the fact that this is the type of hours a newbie gets.
So basically my private job is pretty much similar to hospital job right now.
Just slightly better hours than doctors, not as awesome as I thought it would be.
So what if I am earning a little more than new grads from other fields?
I would be without much social life, as I would be free when no one else is.
Even the kick-boxing classes I intended to sign up for is unavailable when I am available.
I need to find something else and new interest to expand my social circle.
Only then, I probably could stay sane the next year or so.
For now, I just need to persevere, work hard and try my best to learn and improve.

I know I have flaws and I embrace it.
Sorry if you think I always think and talk about myself only.
Who else knows me like myself and all the experience I've encountered?
It's definitely better to talk about yourself than other people isn't it?
Haters are gonna hate, nobody can help it. =)

Happiness will come when you least expect it and respect will come when you earn it.
Good luck Yean, you can do it!!!

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