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Saturday, February 22, 2014

Little thoughts and some rants

Today, I just feel like writing my mind out.

I need somebody to talk to and to cry my eyes till my tears run dry.
But unfortunately at this point of time, I have only here to seek for solace.
It's funny how one can know so many people but yet know very few of them.

I am a mostly happy-go-lucky person, it takes a lot for me to breakdown.
Not a lot of people have seen that side of me because it's rare for that to occur.
At times like this, I wish I could run far far away and explore the world by myself.
But I lack spontaneity and of cos funds obviously to do so.
Sometimes I wish I could be less rigid, less grounded and more impromptu!

It's my last weekend at home after more than 2 months back.
I hope that next time I am back, it would be more brief and only every few months.
That way, I think I will feel more special, more appreciated and much happier.
Cos I am not the type of person who could stay home all day and do chores everyday. 
I do it when I feel the need to, not as a daily routine.
Not everyone is as capable as you are, I really hate it to get nagged.
Worse when every single word is so true and it pains the heart really.
Our meticulousness is so similar yet so different! I just can't figure out why.
Is the age catching up? I don't know. Sometimes I just can't wait to leave.
Home no matter how badly missed, may not be as great we think it is when we are here.

I also do not like troubling people when I am capable of solving something myself.
So sometimes opening my mouth to make a request, I tend to think a lot.
I do lots of research, practice a couple of times and look for alternatives.
So when I actually ask for some help, it really does mean I need it.
But then again, the world is never the great place we think it is.

I try my very best to help people when they need to within my capabilities.
There are things and situations in life that one person may be better than another,
this is where helping one another to be a better version of themselves takes place.
I usually do not expect anything in return for the favour I gave,
but sometimes people take things for granted. 
They talk to you when they need your help, and then disappear when you need them.
You can't control those type of people and that cycle and lifestyle of theirs.
These would be people to let go, life may be better off without them.

Considering that I have different groups of friends, as I change location every few years,
I have good friends in each group. Unfortunately no BFFs.
Sometimes I get a little jealous when people say they are BFFs since they were kids.
I sometimes do wish that I have one too, but from my past experience as a kid,
I lock myself away. I have never divulge my entire life story to one someone ever.
There are feelings and thoughts that I had that no one except myself know.
Am I afraid to show my vulnerable side and get hurt? I don't know for sure.

Sometimes I wonder at my lowest point in life, how many people would stand by me?
Everyone has been nice to me when I was happy, but there's very few that I can count on.
Have you ever had people saying "I'll meet you up when I am free"?
I know have and did the same, and I really try to. I make plans ahead of time to meet them.
But there were only a handful of them that has actually made time for me, ever.
Which I am really grateful for. 
It's the quality, not quantity of friends that matters.
If it were me to decide, I would rather have small group gatherings rather than large ones.
Like that, we get to sit and talk all we want. The cozier, the better!

Oh, now I get why people complain so much about the working world.
It's just natural to want to have a work-life balance.
Regular working people have regular working hours, 9am-5pm on weekdays.
Maybe on your first few years out, you are required to work certain weekends.
Fair enough, I understand. Everyone will want to make the most out of a newbie.
I'll be having a taste of it very very soon.

I've just gotten my work schedule and truthfully I am pretty disappointed in it.
44 hours a week sounds fairly decent isn't it? 
Not when you work till nightfall 6 days a week,
and more than 10 hours on Fridays, Saturdays and Mondays!
So not the 9am-5pm weekdays and 9am-1pm on Saturdays job I researched and applied for.
Only after I accepted the job that I was told that they are extending after hours from 2014.
I was cool when they informed that I may be required to work certain nights.
Imagine the horror when I found out I'd be working at night everyday I am working.

I just have to accept the fact that this is the type of hours a newbie gets.
So basically my private job is pretty much similar to hospital job right now.
Just slightly better hours than doctors, not as awesome as I thought it would be.
So what if I am earning a little more than new grads from other fields?
I would be without much social life, as I would be free when no one else is.
Even the kick-boxing classes I intended to sign up for is unavailable when I am available.
I need to find something else and new interest to expand my social circle.
Only then, I probably could stay sane the next year or so.
For now, I just need to persevere, work hard and try my best to learn and improve.

I know I have flaws and I embrace it.
Sorry if you think I always think and talk about myself only.
Who else knows me like myself and all the experience I've encountered?
It's definitely better to talk about yourself than other people isn't it?
Haters are gonna hate, nobody can help it. =)

Happiness will come when you least expect it and respect will come when you earn it.
Good luck Yean, you can do it!!!

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